Sexual performance anxiety

Suffering anxiety about sexual performance is a very unpleasant place to be, and it can happen to anyone. It reduces your sense of self-worth and can affect your confidence more widely. Sexual performance anxiety can be the result of a minor incident - such as one failure to get erect during intercourse.

Now of course, anxiety is a system for warning us of some oncoming danger or threat. The fight or flight response involves extra alertness for danger, an increase in acuity of hearing and vision, muscles prepared for action by adrenalin, and the less essential parts of the body shut down. But the same effect can come from over-thinking and worrying about some forthcoming event (such as, in this context, sexual failure and what effect that might have on you and your partner). Most often, when you fear loss of erection, the anxiety this produces causes you to lose your erections!

Often the cause of loss of erection is completely incidental and has nothing whatsoever to do with the sexual problem  - it may be stress, tiredness, prescription drugs or something else altogether, but if it causes a loss of erection it can result in a man losing his erection and not being able to perform just because of the anxiety generated. On the next opportunity for intercourse there will be repeated difficulties related to anxiousness about sexual performance. But working on the anxiousness will not correct things because the problem continues to be caused by a side effect of medication.

All the kinds of performance anxiety are based on anxiousness about performing as well as you can. An increase in self-consciousness and a reduction in the quality of your performance quality, causes an increase in anxiety and more self-consciousness - and of course this reduces quality even further. Anxiousness and negative self talk for a powerful self-fulfilling prophesy; the way to get through them is to have a good experience or two so you see that anxiety is at the root of the problem. You need to enjoy sex within a good relationship with a sexual partner who is supportive and loving and you need to relax and let go of your fears.

The problem as far as sexual performance anxiety is concerned is that better controls over emotional mechanisms can be hard to generate. It can be hard to stop anxiety because these automatic mechanisms are usually not under one's conscious control. Logic and positive self-talk may not be enough - hypnosis may be, because it speaks to those inner, more primitive areas of thinking.

Dealing with sexual performance anxiety

Check out physical illnesses, drugs, medication side effects, consumption of alcohol and stress and tiredness. Alcohol can stop you getting or sustaining erections and affects your sexual ability.

Get enough sleep and exercise. Regular exercise and good sleep helps to keep the body functioning optimally.

Check out your attitudes about sexual performance. Do what's right for you - if you can't be a stud, don't want to be a stud, if you don't want sex, don't have it. Check out sexual myths here and don't feel that's what you want, go for what you do want: which might be simply being a sensitive, loving, man partnering your girl emotionally and spiritually.

Beware of self-fulfilling prophesies. Loss of erection is a normal experience for most males will reduce problems. Deciding loss of erection equals a loss of manhood is self-sabotaging. Telling yourself that erection problems are a disaster will cause the situation to get worse.

Get real about sexual performance anxiety. Anxiety is both temporary and goes away in time. Anxiety may even be helpful in that it may ensure a man is attentive to his partner during sex.

Get the right partner! If you're a gentle. loving man and your partner wants a pounding penis-wielding stud, perhaps your partner is not the right one for you.

Consider medical help - Levitra, Viagra or something similar, can really help.

Masturbation can reduce libido which may help solve underlying contributor premature ejaculation problems. This may be a blessing if it helps you last longer in sex, since premature ejaculation causes many problems in performance anxiety.

Reduce your stress - stress and anxiety can cause problems with your sexual performance. If you can't  reduce stress accept that while you have those stresses, your sexual relations might not be as good as usual. This will be the same as it is for your partner - though you may never know that because she can pretend everything's alright more easily than you.

Check out your feelings. If you are angry or resentful about your relationship or your partner or you're doing something that makes you feel guilty, change what you're doing. Infidelity, for example, causes guilt, a loss of performance and performance anxiety.

See a counselor if you need to. A therapist/counselor, might be the solution to your problems. Sex is a very rewarding part of life, so if you can't get past something and you've checked out medical issues with your GP, see a psychotherapist.  Any good counselor can tell if you need a specialist sex therapist.

Email from a reader:

I have sexual performance anxiety. In other words, I can wank, but being with a women is a different story. Last week I gave her oral sex and I had an erection, but when I began thinking about penetrating her I lost my erection. When we go together, I just felt anxious, my heart beating really fast. I detached and sort of  observed how my body reacted.  

Answer:

Things to think about: did this just start or was it a gradual thing? Have you ruled out medical issues? If it just started, think of recent stresses, illnesses, changes in habits? Dietary issues or medications? Have you been checked out by a physician? Are you having these problems  because you worry about STD's, needy women, failure to perform, premature ejaculation, or any other such thing? What's your consumption of alcohol and caffeine? Discuss sexual problems with a doctor; ask about the possibility of Viagra to give your system a bit of a confidence boost - it doesn't have to be a permanent solution.

Self-esteem issues, anger, confusion, self-doubt and anxiety features highly in sexual problems. Ask yourself what does this mean? Are you turned on by your partner. How do you feel towards her? If you don't know, what would you guess?

If all that seems OK, do something different in bed. Your erection is not, believe it or not, essential to sex; you have fingers and a mouth! These can be great ways to play - cunnilingus and masturbation can be fun!  Providing your lover with satisfying orgasms is a great way to keep harmony in the relationship.

The less you worry about male sexual dysfunction, the less it happens. So if you have trouble sustaining an erection, thinking that it's no big deal will stop it ruining your sex life and speed up the time until your erection is back to normal. A positive attitude will get things going again. However, ejaculation problems such as delayed ejaculation may, it is true, need a little more help than this. See the treatment advice for delayed or retarded ejaculation on either of the advice centers.

Limiting your sexual activity to a very loving relationship might help. Erections are only part of a larger picture in which you make love in all sorts of ways - this dysfunction does not represent true arousal or sexual enjoyment.

If you're involved with a woman who is sexually pressuring you and demanding that you perform better keep looking for another partner! 

Another question:

Sex with a woman who was "out of my league" caused me lots of performance anxiety, so much so I lost my erection. I was ashamed and humiliated. This happened years ago and it still affects me even now. I think it will happen again all the time. 

Your experience with the woman seems to have made you think this was some sort of sexual inadequacy on your part. Most men react this way, but the truth is you don't have a personality right for sexual performance anxiety. So try meeting sweet women who want real sex and rewarding relationships along with it. If you want to work on being a better lover find a level-headed, practical, supportive woman who wants a real relationship and will be happy to help you relax during sex; make love to her, making her feel loved, cherished and worshipped. When you find you're OK without an erection - surprise, surprise, your erection will return! 

Even if your situation seems disheartening, there are benefits: a guy with some anxiety tends to think more abut how to make things work, tends to appreciate a girl who is supportive more, and tends to be more faithful.

Question: I have a new relationship with an attractive girl. We have had sex 8 times, but I am really worried about getting erect! Recently, I lost my erection twice on successive occasions, and of course it got worse. That is all I think about now! This girl really means a lot to me, and the problem is that I think I might lose her if I can't get erect and stay erect. My previous girl and I had the same problem until we got over it, then it never happened again, this time I don't even have any sex drive. She even gave me fellatio and this did help - I got partly erect - and had an orgasm.

A: It's normal that such things happen. Start by telling your girlfriend; you clearly care about her and you are so nervous that your erection is affected. Then think that everything will be OK. See your doctor and get Viagra, Cialis. Next, cut out the alcohol and any antidepressants that cause trouble in getting an erection. Then focus on her sexual pleasure and don't get hung up about having am erection unless it really matters to her. If it's a big deal for her, this may be putting pressure on you and causing part of the problem. Performance anxiety might even make your lovemaking better for your partner - oral sex or masturbation may make her orgasm and can make you feel closer. If you can't relax enough to enjoy sex it could be that you're missing something - some unconscious fears or conflict. Maybe, deep down, you know this woman is not actually as perfect as you wish.

Question: I have only had sex a few times before. I was 18 and my first girl tried to please me but the thing was I couldn't achieve erection at all - I was so embarrassed we broke up. I don't have any problems masturbating, as I only have this erection problem when I'm intimate with a girl. Even now I am 20 it is still a problem, and though I always achieve erection during foreplay, I always lose it at the thought of sex or oral sex. Alcohol might have been a factor. I don't get many chances to have sex, and I haven't got anyone to "practice" on. Should I see a sex therapist ? And what of premature ejaculation? On the few occasion I have managed to keep an erection during sex, I have always ejaculated far too soon?

Answer: If you're twenty years old and you've never had sex, you must feel like you're on the outside and all your friends have managed to sexually initiate themselves. But this is not a situation that will stop you ever having a good sexual relationship that works wonderfully well. It doesn't mean you won't find a good, long term sexual relationship. It does mean you will have fewer sexual relationships before you settle down. You were probably just so nervous about your first experience that you had trouble with achieving your erection. That would cause your girl to think she might not be a turn on for you and make her nervous, and especially if you didn't have much sexual experience, then you would probably find you both felt sexually inadequate.

Sexuality is an extremely sensitive area and anxiety can screw it up completely. Think of the difference between masturbating and enjoying sex - when you masturbate you have no problems enjoying sex and achieving and maintaining an erection but when you lose your erection with a girl, it implies that you are anxious, perhaps anxious to please.

If this is related to your sexual experience or your sexual expectations - that is, if you have had sexual experiences which made you anxious about relationships and intimacy, then you might want to look out for any ways in which these fears can be helpful to you! Having your mind deny you sex when it knows you aren't ready is actually quite a good thing!

Work on finding the right woman for a future long term relationship. You basically need to just find a woman that makes you feel as comfortable, sexually, as you are when masturbating. This means you trying a sexual relationship only when you find a sex partner in the context of a relationship first. Wait for sex until you feel close, bonded and emotionally secure. This means you may wish to inform potential partners that you won't hop into bed without knowing them very well. Many women will see this as a valuable quality. When you are comfortable enough to enjoy sex with a woman, tell her up front that you are very anxious about your sexual performance and she will need to be patient - that way you get a fulfilling relationship.

The kind of woman you will need to find is one that can be sensitive and patient -- who wants a real relationship with all of you. Plan to make love without your penis for the first two or three times.  Oral sex or masturbation will do her well, and give you confidence, once you feel safe and secure, you will be comfortable making love to her with a focus on her pleasure - and you will find your penis becomes hard and penetrating her is an act of love which makes you feel it totally natural and right to be inside her. As for premature ejaculation, it is not hard to stop premature ejaculation and last longer during sex by using a series of self-help exercises which will enable you to exercise greater control over your body's natural sexual responsivity. We call this staying-power, and it is a great gift to be able to enjoy long lasting lovemaking and be able to control your premature ejaculation.