Suffering anxiety about sexual performance is a very unpleasant place to
be, and it can happen to anyone. It reduces your sense of self-worth and
can affect your confidence more widely. Sexual performance anxiety can be
the result of a minor incident - such as one failure to get erect during
Now of course, anxiety is a system for
warning us of some oncoming danger or threat. The fight or flight response
involves extra alertness for danger, an increase in acuity of hearing and
vision, muscles prepared for action by adrenalin, and the less essential
parts of the body shut down. But the same effect can come from
over-thinking and worrying about some forthcoming event (such as, in this
context, sexual failure and what effect that might have on you and your
partner). Most often, when you fear loss of erection, the anxiety this
produces causes you to lose your erections! Internet
is a major cause of these problem of erectile dysfunction.
Often the cause of loss of erection is
completely incidental and has nothing whatsoever to do with the sexual
problem - it may be stress, tiredness, prescription drugs or
something else altogether, but if it causes a loss of erection it can
result in a man losing his erection and not being able to perform just
because of the anxiety generated. On the next opportunity for intercourse
there will be repeated difficulties related to anxiousness about sexual
performance. But working on the anxiousness will not correct things
because the problem continues to be caused by a side effect of medication.
All the kinds of performance anxiety are
based on anxiousness about performing as well as you can. An increase in
self-consciousness and a reduction in the quality of your performance
quality, causes an increase in anxiety and more self-consciousness - and
of course this reduces quality even further. Anxiousness and negative self
talk for a powerful self-fulfilling prophesy; the way to get through them
is to have a good experience or two so you see that anxiety is at the root
of the problem. You need to enjoy sex within a good relationship with a
sexual partner who is supportive and loving and you need to relax and let
go of your fears.
The problem as far as sexual performance
anxiety is concerned is that better controls over emotional mechanisms can
be hard to generate. It can be hard to stop anxiety because these
automatic mechanisms are usually not under one's conscious control. Logic
and positive self-talk may not be enough - hypnosis may be, because it
speaks to those inner, more primitive areas of thinking.
Dealing with sexual performance anxiety
Check out physical illnesses, drugs, medication side effects,
consumption of alcohol and stress and tiredness. Alcohol can stop you
getting or sustaining erections and
affects your sexual ability.
Get enough sleep and exercise. Regular exercise and good sleep
helps to keep the body
Check out your attitudes about sexual performance.
Do what's right for you - if you can't be a stud, don't want to be a
stud, if you don't want sex, don't have it. Check out
sexual myths here and don't feel that's what you want, go for what you do want:
which might be simply being a sensitive, loving, man partnering your
girl emotionally and spiritually.
Beware of self-fulfilling prophesies. Loss of erection is a
experience for most males will reduce problems. Deciding loss of
erection equals a loss of manhood is
self-sabotaging. Telling yourself that erection problems are a disaster
will cause the situation to get worse.
Get real about sexual performance anxiety.
Anxiety is both temporary and goes away in time. Anxiety may even be
helpful in that it may ensure a man is attentive to his partner during
Get the right partner! If you're a gentle. loving man and your
partner wants a
pounding penis-wielding stud, perhaps your partner is not the right
one for you.
Consider medical help - Levitra, Viagra or
something similar, can really help.
Masturbation can reduce libido which may help solve underlying
contributor premature ejaculation problems. This may be a blessing if
it helps you last longer before you ejaculate in sex, since premature ejaculation causes
many problems in performance anxiety.
Reduce your stress - stress and
anxiety can cause problems with your sexual performance. If you can't
reduce stress accept that while you have those stresses, your sexual
relations might not be as good as usual. This will be the same as it
is for your partner - though you may never know that because she can
pretend everything's alright more easily than you.
Check out your feelings. If you are angry or
resentful about your relationship or your partner or you're doing
something that makes you feel guilty, change what you're doing. Infidelity, for example,
causes guilt, a loss of performance and performance anxiety.
See a counselor if you need to. A
therapist/counselor, might be the solution to your problems.
Sex is a very rewarding part of life, so if you can't get
past something and you've
checked out medical issues with your GP, see a
psychotherapist. Any good counselor can tell if you need a
specialist sex therapist.
Email from a reader:
I have sexual
performance anxiety. In other words, I can wank, but being with a women is a different story.
I gave her oral sex and I had an erection, but when I began thinking about
penetrating her I lost
my erection. When we go together, I just felt anxious, my heart beating
really fast. I detached and sort of observed how
my body reacted.
Things to think about: did this just start or was it a gradual thing?
Have you ruled out medical issues? If it just
started, think of recent stresses, illnesses,
changes in habits? Dietary issues or medications? Have you been checked out by a
physician? Are you having these problems because you worry about STD's,
needy women, failure to perform, premature ejaculation, or any other such
thing? What's your consumption of alcohol and caffeine?
sexual problems with a doctor; ask about the possibility of Viagra to give your system a bit of a
confidence boost - it doesn't have to be a permanent solution.
If all that seems OK, do something different in bed.
Your erection is not, believe it or not, essential to sex; you have
fingers and a mouth! These can be great ways to play - cunnilingus and
masturbation can be fun! Providing your lover with
satisfying orgasms is a great way to keep harmony in the relationship.
The less you worry about male sexual dysfunction, the less
it happens. So if you have trouble sustaining an erection, thinking
that it's no big deal will stop it ruining your sex life and speed up the
time until your erection is back to normal. A positive attitude will get
things going again. However, ejaculation problems such as delayed ejaculation, it is true, need a little more help than this.
See information about
treatment of delayed ejaculation on either of the advice centers.
Limiting your sexual activity to a very loving
relationship might help. Erections are only part of a larger picture in
which you make love in all sorts of ways - this dysfunction does not
represent true arousal or sexual enjoyment.
If you're involved with a woman who is sexually pressuring
you and demanding
that you perform better keep looking
for another partner!
Sex with a woman who was
"out of my league" caused me lots of performance anxiety, so much
so I lost my erection. I was ashamed and humiliated. This happened years ago and it still
affects me even now. I think it will happen again all the time.
Your experience with the woman seems to have made you think this was some sort of
sexual inadequacy on your
part. Most men react this way, but the truth is you don't have a personality
sexual performance anxiety. So try meeting sweet women who
want real sex and rewarding relationships along with it. If you want to work on being a better lover
find a level-headed, practical, supportive woman who wants a real relationship
and will be happy to help you relax during sex; make love to her, making her feel loved,
cherished and worshipped. When you find you're OK without an erection
- surprise, surprise, your erection will return!
Even if your situation seems disheartening, there are benefits: a guy with some
anxiety tends to think more abut how to make things work, tends to appreciate a
girl who is supportive more, and tends to be more faithful.
Question: I have a new
relationship with an attractive girl. We have had sex 8
times, but I am really worried about getting erect! Recently, I lost my
erection twice on successive occasions, and of course it got worse. That is all I
think about now!
This girl really means a lot to me, and the problem is that I think I might
lose her if I can't get erect and stay erect. My previous girl and I had the same
problem until we got over it, then it never happened again, this time
I don't even have any sex drive. She even gave me fellatio and this
did help - I got partly erect - and had an orgasm.
A: It's normal that such things happen. Start by telling your girlfriend;
you clearly care about her and you are so nervous that your erection is affected.
Then think that everything will be OK. See your doctor and get Viagra,
Cialis. Next, cut out the alcohol and any antidepressants that cause
trouble in getting an erection. Then focus on her sexual pleasure and don't get hung up
about having am erection unless it really matters to her. If it's a big deal
for her, this may be putting pressure on you and causing part of the
problem. Performance anxiety might even make your lovemaking better
for your partner - oral sex or masturbation may make her orgasm and
can make you feel closer. If you can't relax enough to enjoy sex it
could be that you're missing something - some
unconscious fears or conflict. Maybe, deep down, you know this woman is not actually as perfect as you wish.
Question: I have only had sex a few times before. I was 18 and my
first girl tried to please
me but the thing was I couldn't achieve erection at all - I was so
embarrassed we broke up. I don't have any problems masturbating, as I
only have this
erection problem when I'm intimate with a girl. Even now I am 20 it is
still a problem, and though I
always achieve erection during foreplay, I always lose it at the thought of
sex or oral sex. Alcohol might have been a factor.
I don't get many chances to have sex, and I haven't got anyone to
"practice" on. Should I see a sex therapist ? And what of
premature ejaculation? On the few occasion I have managed to keep an
erection during sex, I have always ejaculated far too soon?
Answer: If you're twenty years old and you've never
had sex, you must feel like you're on the outside and all your friends
have managed to sexually initiate themselves. But this is not a situation
that will stop you ever having a
good sexual relationship that works wonderfully
well. It doesn't mean you won't find a good, long term sexual relationship. It
does mean you will have fewer sexual relationships
before you settle down. You were probably just so nervous about your
first experience that you had trouble with achieving your erection.
That would cause your girl to think she might not be a turn on for you and
make her nervous, and especially if you didn't have much sexual
experience, then you would probably find you both felt sexually
Sexuality is an extremely sensitive area and
anxiety can screw it up completely. Think of the difference
between masturbating and enjoying sex - when you masturbate you have no
problems enjoying sex and achieving and maintaining an erection but when
you lose your erection with a girl, it implies that you are anxious,
perhaps anxious to please.
If this is related to your sexual experience or your
sexual expectations - that is, if you have had sexual experiences which
made you anxious about relationships and intimacy, then you might want to
look out for any ways in which these fears can be helpful to you! Having your
mind deny you sex when it knows you aren't ready is actually quite a good
Work on finding
the right woman for a future long term relationship. You basically need to just
find a woman that makes you feel as comfortable, sexually, as you are when
masturbating. This means you trying a sexual
relationship only when you find a sex partner in the context of a
relationship first. Wait for sex until you feel close, bonded and emotionally secure.
This means you may wish to inform potential partners that you won't hop into bed without knowing
them very well. Many women will see this as a valuable quality. When you
comfortable enough to enjoy sex with a woman, tell her up front that you are very anxious about your
sexual performance and she will need to be patient - that way you get a fulfilling relationship.
The kind of woman you will need to find is one that can be sensitive and
patient -- who wants a real
relationship with all of you.
Plan to make love without your penis for the first two or three times.
Oral sex or masturbation will do her well, and give you confidence, once
you feel safe and secure, you will be comfortable making
love to her with a focus on her pleasure - and you will find
your penis becomes hard and penetrating her is an act of love which makes
you feel it totally natural and right to be inside her.
As for premature
ejaculation, it is not hard to stop premature ejaculation and last longer during sex by using a series of self-help exercises
which will enable you to exercise greater control over your body's natural
sexual responsivity. We call this staying-power, and it is a great gift to
be able to enjoy long lasting
lovemaking and be able to control your premature ejaculation.
It would be helpful to separate inborn premature
ejaculation from acquired premature ejaculation. Involuntary premature
ejaculation is experienced during a man's initial sexual encounters.
Acquired premature ejaculation starts years after that first sexual
encounter. And a third condition called “premature-like ejaculatory
dysfunction” refers to a complaint that has become quite common: men who
find it possible to control ejaculation in the majority of their sexual
encounters but who complain of a lack of ejaculation control and an
inability to last
longer in bed anyway.
Classifying premature ejaculation in this manner identifies sexual
dysfunction because of the unsubstantiated suggestion that premature-like
ejaculatory dysfunction affects at the very least, 50 percent of the male
population. Dealing with the condition successfully will always require
exact standards to categorize lifelong premature ejaculation. For example,
what is an acceptable duration of intercourse?
Designating some random time limit of, for example,
five and a half minutes or less before the male ejaculates seems baseless
if the couple in question experience noticeable personal displeasure or
relationship conflicts. Sexual interaction between the man and the female
partner may produce female orgasm before actual sex, so how then are we to
dispassionately evaluate this sexual dysfunction? How can therapy identify
and examine the dissatisfaction with the man's sexual incontinence?